sleepless dreams..

even sleeping has become complicated for me.. nights are filled with twists and turns.. unsettling feelings.. thoughts that don't bring me calm; memories that only cause distress. i decide to go to bed because i know i should, not because sleep has invited me to join it. as i lay in bed, pulling the covers close to my face.. i try to think about something worth thinking, something that i would like to dream about.. this plan always backfires. these thoughts, that i illusively would like to turn into dreams, only snowball into different facts that bring me nothing but a state of emergency that evades sleep on all levels.

lately i've been dreaming the most absurd things, introducing into them people i would never think i would dream about, and much worst people i don't even think exist. situations that i've never found myself in and that i would never manage the way i have in these recent dreams. but what is most odd of all is that when im within my dream, and another person is in it, usually of the opposite sex.. he is the same person, but with a different appearance as the dream evolves.

and lately i find myself thinking to much of yesterday.. and what everything used to be like; i'm afraid i might make a wrong decision in the melancholy of a moment.. for there are words that i miss, and feelings that now it seems i can't live without. i miss situations that used to fill my everyday. come and fill them for me, i'd really like you to.. so i can fill my days with you.. and not with what used to be. i cant make my present with something that is already past.. i want to make it new.

andnomatterwhoidreamwithitsyouithinkaboutwheniawake.

life and some lines..

"a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words are superfluos." -- Ingrid Bergman

"all the great pleasures in life are silent." -- George Clemenceau

"i'm as bad as the worst, but thank God, i'm as good as the best." -- Walt Whitman

"there are no facts, only interpretations." --Nietzsche

"the earth laughs in flowers." -- E.E. Cummings

"peel back the bruises and what you're left with is the damaged new you." --me

"My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary."-- Emily Bronte

"don't stop living because life's a mess, you'll find yourself waiting for it not to be.. and the only thing thats going to be there with you to help fix the mess is loneliness." --me

"Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide." --

the time it takes to say hello..

and everyday waits for your face to smile the way you do when something tickles your insides. lighting you up. bold and bright in the luminescent darkness that is my now. to think of you is to remember your smile, to hear the sound of laughter from your lips; the hope of experiencing that routine keeps me here. g.a.b

always

i think i'm screaming so loudly sound has failed me. brains all around me have ordered eyes to not perceive me; i'm right here.. but not existent to all. i've forgotten days before this one, this day seems exactly like the last.. i am living a day within a day.. a cycle of non-change that haunts me. the dreams within my nightmare are the only ones that keep me insane enough to continue a routine that becomes me.

lend a hand to my undisclosed circle.. let me see beyond it's radius, show me a different light. i'm waiting for fingers to point me in the direction of what used to be my everyday. i've yet to find something that will make me different, that will take me back to where i never was.

you're a mystery to me, and i don't know when you'll come nor how long i'll have to wait for your breath.. but oblivious to reality.. i long. noise becomes a melody in the background of my life in a day.. i'm searching. the word that will make me whole again. i don't ask for eternity, only a few moments that might bring me sleep.

longing.

the things that make me think to much, are the things that make me wanna let go; inviting me to take a step on the other side of wonder. Begin to see true colors, not watermarks of what could have been. If some how i could unlearn you from within..
jan. 9th '05

asleep.

last night the search seized, maybe just only for a few minutes, but i didn't have to look anymore. right infront of me, the object of my month's search; i found you. and as if nothing had changed you served for youself what was pouring from my eyes, taking advantage of my fixed stare. you saw what i needed, what i need right now; no need for words, you would find out. nothing has changed since the last of things, nothing has transformed the feeling they bring. i still think about you, i havent forgotten the words said. never have i overlooked the touch that keeps me burned. your effect on me, engraved forever, its on my skin, with every endeavor.
dec 30th '04

ready.

and as if i were slowly melting away, as i inhale i hear the pitter patter of my watery insides. what will become of me after all water has dried away? will i still have this feeling that warms me from within? but it doesn't seize at warm, it continues to ascend in temperature; making things too sweltering to bare. burning my edges and other memories in the adjacency of thought. and temperature was always my flaw, nothing could warm me then; making me appear strong and independent. you chiseled my exterior, leaving my warmness exposed and vulnerable, im ready. where are you now?
dec. 27th '04

in the waiting line..

i think ever since we met i've been puzzled, never knowing what to think or do next; the mystery has extended its self for over a year now. moments of extreme proximity have also been dressed with instants of vile hostility. no matter how close i feel to achieving possession, in the intent of savoring the moment i loose it. like a rope protesting at being tugged in opposite directions, the relationship screams of confusion and distrust.

for a moon bathed moment i was ever so close, so close to something that i didn't know i would want now; if in some way i would of know that from that instant i could have prepared for now, i would of taken matters into my own hands, but the past is unchangeable. day after day, letter after letter, word after word, i've grown fonder. after i fell from the place where i had put myself for a few months, i never pictured the climb back up again.. i had seized to want something for myself. but only the memories of that moon bathed moment make me not fear falling again.

we've been dancing around it forever, but i thought i would be left to dance alone.. filling me with indecision and lethargic reactions into which step to take next. i thought i couldn't be seen with the eyes i expel amongst what i desire, i feared not being wanted in return, for only one thing i was sure was shared in common. i hoped profoundly to overcome the primal interest and for it to trascend into something deeper and meaningful.. i wanted it so. at moments i thought i had reached it, while i vested in my glory, the rug was pulled from under my feet; leaving me defenseless to face reality, with no armor.. with no sword.

i've been standing in this waiting line for so long, because its the only thing i've wanted since i decided i didn't deserve to want anymore. the only thing i think is worth trust, when i thought i had closed the door. i can't hang my coat just yet, its raining and it will be cold, but if i just knew what road to take, to open that last door.

"ifyoucouldseeitlikeiseeittherewouldbenoobjectionsordiscussions.
youwouldseetheblossomof whatwouldmakeusbothgrow." g.a.b.