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now i look back on friday.. previous plans were post-poned, leaving me no other choice but to quickly elaborate an alternate plan, to escape the boredom that my house would with hold for me. so my mind begins to work in the weird ways it usually does, and i initiate a conversation with victim #1; only because i know that this person is capable of escorting me out of this source of nothing to do. contact established with victim #1, don't know what we are to do, but atleast i know for sure i will not be a prisoner of my own four walls. i get this call from friend x, friend x is a she, whom also does not wish to be a victim of boredom, so she quickly elaborates a plan that involves 2 unknown specimens to me, but one of them is previously noted by her.
** a dilemma appears, should i stick to my original plan with victim #1? where only things that i have experienced before might happen, or.. should i engage in a different activity, guided by friend x; where i just might slightly divert myself from what is my everyday?**
the dilemma ends shortly, after a quick analysis of the situation, i go with plan b, ofcourse, always in search of the unknown. through a white lie i am able to get my self out of my original plan. (*note: the only true motive of the lie was to avoid hurt feelings, therefore i consider it a nice lie.) So.. i call friend x, tell her i'm on board, and proceed to wait to be picked up by her and both unknown specimens, here at my residence. finally my celphone rings, its fun tune, and i leave my house, and on my driveway i see the vehicle in which im being picked up, brandnew SUV.. interesting.. i was recently wondering when i was going to go on a ride in it, nobody i knew had yet to own one. i salut the people in the car as i get in, the person driving, whom i am to call specimen #1, he barely turns around, so i cant see his face; but from his reaction to my hello, i know he's self-confident to an extent that he likes being laughed at. specimen #2, named this way only to follow certain logic, is silent in the passenger's seat, but i immediately sense the sexual-tension between him and friend x, though she is sitting in the back with me, she is behind specimen #2's seat, very close to his head rest. they seem to be ok guys, and more importantly, comment at the fact that im not talkative.
**im never talkative with people i just meet, there is always this period of time i go through in which i try to absorb everything in the atmosphere around as to better know on what ground i stand.**
they establish, as we enter the center of the city, that they're hungry and want fast-food, but not from a fast-food joint.. go figure. so friend x tells them where to go, and so we do, the 4 of us get out of the brand new silver shiny SUV and walk into the fast-food serving, non fast-food joint. friend x, thinks she's clever, but she underestimates my own obscure form of cleverness. as we direct ourselves to a table, i know she wishes to sit next to specimen #1, but i beat her to it, and seat myself next to him.. and at this moment is when for the first time i can truly screen him and know what he looks like. a conversation ignites, friend x is trying to dazzle him with her charm, although i'm sitting next to him, she is sitting right in front of him, she is up on me for the very important factor of eye contact. suddenly the topic diverts into current careers, and he seems to be slightly impressed with my choice. to one point they leave the table, and friend x and i decide to put everything out in the open, before the night evolves further; it is clear specimen #2 is interested in her, but this being noted she expresses her interest for specimen #1, she suggests a 2 for 2, i immediately make my position known, saying i prefer a 2 for 1, for specimen #2 is of no interest to me.. at the moment, nor was specimen #1.
we're back in this incredible interior of an automobile, i really like this nissan.. we're on the way to the house where we will be entertained for the rest of the evening.. everything owned by specimen #1. just arriving at his humble abode, his garage reveals oh but the finest of all riches.. very very expensive automobiles. nothing but lexus, MB, infiniti, and the nissan that wonderfully transported us for the prior section of the evening. we slowly enter the house.. and for what i experienced in the moments it took me to go through it is not to be put down with words.. this was the most elaborate, non complex, perfect to the magnitude of simply impressive breath-taking but at the same time air supplying house i have ever entered, and spent a night in. the following events occur with no other interesting speedbumps, just minor ones like specimen #1's question to friend x, he asks with a hint of curiosity what her zodiac sign might be, as she reveals hers he says they are not to be mixed, revealing his own, this is where i come in and reveal mine, only because of the coincidence that we share signs; and this is when he profusely expresses how we are definitely not to be mixed. (*note: this maybe the turning point that makes everything in a succession of events possible.) time goes by, uneventfully, until they express their interest for friend x and i to introduce ourselves into the pool, she tries to get out of it, even though she is wearing her bathing suit, and she asked me to wear mine to this occasion (*note: very odd of friend x btw, she usually rejects events involving bathing suits.) specimen #1 notices how i do not mind a quick dip in the pool, the only thing that seems to hold me back is the company of friend x. i decide to go change, while i am at this task i wonder what specimens 1 and 2 might be planning.. i come out of the bathroom, in suit, with towel around my waist. i decide to progressively enter the pool, a step at a time, and specimen #1 joins me at my task, but this is where he decided that we should do it all at once. so i get out of the pool, where he and i stand next to each other on the edge of the pool, with the plan that we are both going to dive in together, he is holding my hand, a non necessary detail by the way. i don't trust him, i tell him that he will only trick me, this is where i express my need for a small weiger.. something had to be done if either one of us tried to trick the other, unfortunately he was to fast for me, and pulled me into the pool with him.
the 4 of us are in the pool, casual conversations take place, friend x warms up to specimen #2, with no other choice, she's seen that specimen #1 is directed to me in a conversation based on my ways, and how everything he says is exactly the way it is. specimen #1 begins to impress me, everything he expresses is correct about myself, and further more interesting, is true for him too. we decide to change our location, and arrive at the hot-tub, that it HOT.. i go in, then come specimen #2, friend x, and finally specimen #1. this last one mentioned instantly sits beside me, for the situation is already plotted, friend x has revealed a certain tendency to specimen #2.
a series of events begin to occur, that i am unable to reveal to you; but what they do reveal to me is the certainty of the 27 years of age of specimen #1, and how he and i met each other for some reason i yet do not understand. we are strangely alike, and although this is a fact, faith and life point to the probability that this won't sprout into something significant. i have no regrets of the events that occurred involving him, they left me with a lot to learn, and a lot to think about. but i am sure of one small detail, the fact that he said that the coincidence of our zodiac sign made us incompatible, is motive for all the events that followed.
i hope the worst is over, cuz im all dried out. i have no more will to fight, i lost it yesterday along with many other things. from a nice memory you became to be a treacherous present moment. i could have noticed at any moment i guess, but it was nicer to live oblivious to the facts. it was astonishing to see you grovel, to see you beg away your dignity, and ever so renounced pride. you wished to know everything that was going through my veins at a magnificent speed, now that the words dawn on you.. you feel dirty and low. words may have that effect on you, but my words at this time will give you nothing but anger and impotence, for i am transmitting my feelings along these words i direct to you.
** the selfish ways of man will never cease to amaze me, how we sometimes mistake our possession over a soul, a soul that belongs to no one and will always wander free, as long as it is allowed to grow. and surrounded by a red so deep, a red of us, made us sink. for what i am to you was so precious you felt the need to hold on to it no matter the lies involved to achieve your most planned objective. and you are so dear to me that i let myself be latched on to you, by your hypnotic voice and feeble words. **
i admit, i am to blame as well as you, but don't be angry at me, don't emit harsh words, do not raise your voice at me! you lied.. but so did i? is a lie only a lie when you're caught performing one? or is it a lie from the beginning? for the enunciation of a false truth. i guess there are different types of lies, my lies would of not hurt you to the extent yours hurt me.. because yours was small and insignificant, like a prickle from a needle.. the annoying itch it provides to the tip of your finger; making you forever aware.
i could scream aloud my many sins, my many mistakes.. it wouldn't matter, i still appear flawless beside you turmoils. my spectro of purity is nothing near transparent, but i didn't hide feelings that needed to burst from my lips.. travel through the air and finally reach their home, which was your heart. but i've done a horrible mess, and my pillow witnesses the songs that i can't forget, that sing my self to nothing but insomnia. but tomorrow i'll put an end to you and everything you represent as a pattern of what should be. and i've heard this song before, i like its tune, and mesmeric melody.. but the songs been in my head for far to long.
your voice has returned, but i still haven't concluded if it's welcomed. oh but i missed it so, what could i say for you to understand.. things are getting complicated again.. but it's just that i miss you, and i dont know what to do with that. should i just put it out there? and let you know how i feel, or should i box it up inside my self, and introduce it on the shelf of boxed things in the back of my head. right now everthing is turning blue, and the sun is trying to kill the moon, and although i wish i could follow you, and be free.. i can't, because it won't make me free, it will make me a slave of things i can't learn to let go.
** i think that maybe you came to soon, in my search of someone to witness my life.
i guess you arrived because i needed you to, and you saw the things that i need someone to see, for my own sake.. for my own sanity. and the weight of it finally got to us, and made us drown in the redness of feelings and longings. but the bottom line is that i really wasn't what you needed, and no version of me ever will, maybe im nothing so good.. just bones and flesh that came to life for a few months. for the violence that haunts me will drown me in timeless days. and i wish i could go back and forever lay in your warm embrace, where i felt safe from the constant peril of lies and wandering eyes. between darkness and light, where your words used to bleach my insides.
i was broken from the start, you taped me up for some time.. but i break in two once again.. and no breath of life will be able to do it this time. i'll build me up again.. i'll fix me once and for all. and each piece of me falls from where it used to be put in place, held in tight. you saw me when no one did.**
changing kinda sorta sucks, i've always said so myself, but there are always a few ppl that give the same lame excuse (how changing is part of life and blah blah blah..) which i know by heart already. well, the people who know me have experienced my endless battle with change, and if it has ever occured, it was because its treacherous and sneaked up on me.
well the truth is i have a tini tiny problem with moving on, it seems to be quite difficult for me; but this time i outdid myself in the magnitude of what i must forget; making it ever harder to do so. and i seem to be stuck, on the same idea i've been on since thursday.. cut your losses here, and just forgetting everything that makes you regress to the cycle that you're on now. how can so many of my choices gone wrong at the same time.. how can everything begin to sincronize against me? im being attacked by my own past decisiones, by my own feelings, and my will power has decided to be absent for the ride. i know we come to life alone, and alone we'll leave, but geeeez everyone didnt have to take it so seriously.. maybe a hand to hold is all i need to get through this; but then a dilema may occur:
** the helping hand that i could receive to get through these series of unfortunate crappy days could make me forget the hand that got me into this mess. BUT what if my savior hand decides to go on a trip? will i remember the original crappy day provoking hand in the absence of the savior one? hmmm.. interesting.
if there were just something really big for me to ingest, as if to try and fill the extent of the hollowness within me, that mocks me in the moments before i accomplish sleep. that rears its ugly head everytime my brain isnt boggled by some innovation of a trivial nothing that must be resolved ipsofacto. a moment of calmness and tranquility will prevail, begging not to be chased away by a tarnished memory or a longing for something unknown and missing.
oh damn the days that fall on me, making me feel that i know not my place, that i tumbleweed through our 24 hour dance. how many of them must i sit out, or just take a break from all these blissfully ignorant dancers that don't notice its the same tune. should i expect the same fate?
