december 23rd

today is december 23rd and i've been thinking about you since yesterday. so much has happened in these last few days, so many things i would of liked to share with you.

i would of liked to see the look on your face, when i told you that your granddaughter was an engineer.. or make pictures in my mind of what it would feel like on graduation day, to know that you were sitting in the audience feeling proud of me.

i blocked this day out last year, and jumped from 22nd to 24th of december, but this year i cant. and i miss you.. just knowing that you're there, that you exist. and i just realized right now why i chose the career i chose, and why i like the things that i like.. because of you.

ever since i was little i admired how you could find the sense in everything, and make anything and everything work. how you could build anything. and i wanted to be just like you. i wanted to draw amazing plants, know how to design tools.. and most importantly, i've always worked to be someone that others look up to and respect; and that's what you were to me.

so many things that i've learned in books, that i would pay any price to practice with you.. and cant. i miss you more than i know, because at any random moment i'll think of you, and not be able to hold back everything that it makes me feel.. like right now.

i remember how your house would be filled with people on your big birthday parties, how everyone attended, no one ever missed it. you were always surrounded by hundreds of people that feel love, admiration and warmth towards you.

now i know that i always wanted to be just like you, im on the right track for some things.. but what i would give for your pats on the back, and with no words assuring me that what i am doing is right.

i realize.

i realized how much i love you when i learned that i would never make you do something just because i wanted you to. i realized i love you when i saw that in my options wasn't moving on. i realized how much i love you when everything that happens isn't as interesting if i can't share it with you. i realize how much i love you when i think that no holiday will be as special if i don't share it with you. i realize how much i love you when i miss the way you talk, breathe, laugh, think, sleep, look, smell, feel, a r e.

newskin

does time have mercy?

its only been about 12 hours and i already feel im going crazy, because i miss you.. and the fact that i know that i wont know from you as soon as right now, makes me miss you even more. i've been pretending to be strong, pretending to be ok but im not.. i miss you and im scared. im scared of time, its become my enemy.. we've parted ways and i dont know what to do now.. cuz its multiplied under my nose, and i know it will keep gaining up on me until it chokes me down.

can't i just go to sleep until forever? forever being what seems to me, the period of time that i will be away from you.

if i would of known it was going to be the last time i'd see you, i would of looked at you harder. if i would of known it was going to be the last time i'd touch you, i would of grabbed on tighter.. if i would of known it was going to be the last time i'd kiss you, i would of memorized every detail.. and if i would of known it was going to be my last chance, i would of told you that i love you, my forehead against yours, my heart beating fast and eyes closed, cuz i was baring out my soul.

and i guess it will be until that moment in time..

newskin.

..

y si t digo q aveces me desconozco.. pq no se a donde fue aquella persona que pretendia pasear sola por la vida sin una mano amiga q la sostuviera. y si te digo q ahora ni quiero caminar por mis propios pies, pq me siento q vuelo si caminas a mi lado

missing you collage.

solo tengo ojos para ti.

Sólo tengo ojos para tí
no te das cuenta, no lo has notado
Y te quiero más de lo que hoy puedo decir
Sólo tengo ojos para tí

Sólo busco el tiempo para tí
vaya manía de estar a tu lado
y lo eterno cabe, en tu minuto enamorado
Sólo tengo ojos para tí

Te veré como siempre en el rincón
donde guardo el corazón y tan sólo vives tú
y aunque el mar pierda una orilla
y el comienzo su partida
sólo tendré ojos para tí.

Sólo tengo ojos para tí
no de das cuenta, no lo has notado
Y te quiero más de lo que hoy puedo decir
Sólo tengo ojos para tí

Te veré como siempre en el rincón
donde guardo el corazón y tan sólo vives tú
y aunque el mar pierda una orilla
y el comienzo su partida
sólo tendré ojos para tí.

Sólo tengo ojos para tí
Sólo tengo ojos para tí

cuando ya no te esperaba.

En el dia ni lo pensaba
y en las noches te soñaba
es tan cierto que buscaba
alguien como tu que me abrazara.

No sabia que aqui estabas
que a mi lado caminabas
solo se que tu mirada hizo que de ti al instante yo me enamorara

Solo un momento se convertira en una eternidad
y cada amanecer sera mejor
y el sol saldra gritando que aqui estas

Llenando todo lo que tengo
Pintando lo que estoy haciendo de amor
Y aqui estas y tanta fe que me das
Me lleva mucho mas adentro
Me hunde en este sentimiento de amor
Y abrazados tu y yo todo es mejor

Me di cuenta que te amaba
Cuando vi que te marchabas
Solo se que al fin llegaste
Cuando para ser honesto ya no te esperaba

Te he visto una vez
y creo que se quien eres
Eres quien soñe y al fin te encontre

dreams.

All my life
Is changing every day
In every possible way
In all my dreams
It's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I've felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to be
I warn more
Impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They'll come true
Impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You're what I couldn't find
Totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me
All my life
Is changing every day
In every possible way
And oh my dreams
It's never quite as it seems
Cause you're a dream to me
Dream to me

¿a dónde van los rayos del sol?

y si me dejo de darle vueltas, y si dejo las metáforas y el uso de mi 2do idioma como herramienta, y si simplemente plasmo en palabras lo que siento.. qué va pasar?

y si admito que estoy completamente aterrorizada de sentimientos que nacen en mi que no conozco. extremos de los sentidos que ignoraba que existían. nunca le había dado el valor correcto al silencio, nunca le había otorgado la importancia a una mirada. y es que cuando te extraño te extraño por completo; con cada gesto, con cada ademán. y es que cuando te veo, no veo tu cuerpo, veo tu alma que envuelve todo lo que puedas pensar. y todo lo que hago tiene que ver contigo, siempre estrechamente ligado a lo que vayas a pensar. pues me destruiría el hecho de decepcionarte; pero como ser humano sé, que está destinado a pasar. pero nada mas quisiera que al mirarme te brillaran los ojos, que al tocarme sintieras que vas a despegar; al mundo donde me encuentro hoy en día, donde lo único que hago es esperar. y es que me asusta abandonar viejos hábitos, donde me siento cómoda, donde se quién soy; pero contigo no me queda de otra, que explorar a diario a dónde van los rayos del sol. odio hacer planes, no me gusta pensar en el futuro, ni que pasará; pero cuando despierto con el pensamiento de mis manos en tus manos, no puedo evitar pensar que pasará. y pensar en el futuro inmediato, es mas comprometedor que pensar en el que queda por venir. pensar en el inmediato me revela la urgencia, que tengo de estar contigo, de verte sonreir. y es que el mundo se para cuando sonries, no tengo palabras, solo puedo mirarte fijamente.. solo puedo quererte. y es que te lo has robado todo, ya no tengo nada mio, por que todo te lo quiero dar. ¿por qué te quiero dar todo? no lo sé, es un sentimiento que crece sin parar.

y a veces cambias tan rapido que nisiquiera me das tiempo a sintonizar, la nueva frecuencia que ocupas, y no me avisas que vas a cambiar. pero siempre encuentro la manera, de que dejes que te quiera, no importa en cuales de los tu te encuentres en ese momento. siempre me das un espacito, para poder estar cerca, para poder absorberte. y lo que mas me asusta es necesitarte, pero creo que ya estamos tarde para eso. y lo que quiero es encontrarte un dia; en aquel mundo lejano en el cual me encuentro. y lo que quiero es despertar todos los dias, y ser tu cara lo primero que veo.

newskin

lagged encounters.

a little bit sinful
even slightly erotic
the way you carry
my lust in your pocket

and it just takes a second
to ignite on it's own
as soon as i realize
that we are alone

and all these thoughts
tumble through my mind
even though
i try my gestures hide

but its unbearable
to hold still
when i have nothing to offer
my free will

of wanting to feel your hand
tracing the contours of desire
everything stops
but the prickle crackle of fire

and all i want is closeness
no matter the cost
to be in the same skin
you with no loss

and when i feel your breath
blow the deepest of emotions
i know that you best
will acknowledge my devotion

moments of silence
tell me nothing of your sensation
until i'm closer
i hear the manifestations

that i'm pleasing
what can't be put in words
that i'm reaching
what's barely even heard

and i rejoice in those moments
in which you melt in my hands
moments when you're vulnerable
more of a man

and those are the moments
when i breathe you in
to form part of me
leave your print on my skin

and your movements and actions
stay tattooed on my surface
revealing plans
of future performance

and i always look for the way
to be in the situation
where words are superfluous
and are of no preoccupation

when we are quiet
we always say more
we're more careful
of feelings that soar

and i dream of future encounters
with peril of nerves
for they come over me
and paralyze my verbs

when i begin to think
about it before hand
i become weak
i become lagged

i guess i'm still shy
when it comes to you
i guess i feel
younger than i'd like to

i'm still worried of
pleasing you
of making it right
my only stage:
tonight.

newskin

you.

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But its not me
Its you
Its you

Sometimes ignorance rings true
But hope is not in what I know
Its not in me
Its in you
Its in you

Its all I know
Its all I know
Its all I know

I find peace when I'm confused
And I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, me
In you
Its in you

I hope to lose myself for good
I hope to find it in the end
But not in me, me
In you
In you

Its all I know
Its all I know
Its all I know

In you
In you
Its in you
In you

There's always something in the way
There's always something getting through
But its not me, me
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you
Its you (Its all I know)
Its you
Its you (Its all I know)
Its you
Its you (Its all I know)
Its you
Its you

why do people hold hands?

everywhere you go, no matter what time it is, you'll always see, no matter where, a few couples holding hands. i understand why parents hold their children's hands, but why do we hold hands? might it be for similar reasons, protection, safety, comfort? what should we call that catalyst that impulses us to reach for the hand of the possessor of our affections?

i think hands are the beginning of everything. you can tell so much from a person, just depending on how they touch or hold things.

your hands tell me everything about you. they tell me when you're happy, sad, bored or play-full. and we might not be talking, we might be in complete and absolute silence and your hands will tell me everything i need to know. and in that precise moment that words are absent, and i feel your hand reach for mine.. i just know that everything will be fine, everything will be ok, i finally am at peace with the world.

what do my hands tell you?

newskin

imissu.

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know
that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me
that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if
I said, I
miss you.(?)
I see your picture, I smell your skin on
the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know
that I care and
I miss you.

bubbly.

Will you count me in?

I've been awake for a while now.
You got me feelin' like a child now.
Cause everytime i see your bubbly face
I get the tinglys in a silly place.

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose.
Wherever it goes I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying safe and warm
You give me feelings that I adore.

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose.
Wherever it goes I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time wherever you go

What am I gonna say?
When you make me feel this way.
I just mmmm.

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose.
Wherever it goes I always know
You make me smile please stay for a while now
just take your time wherever you go

I've been asleep for a whille now
You tuck me in just like a child now
Cause everytime you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth
Its starts in my soul
And i lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
Cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holding me tight

Wherever,wherever, wherever you go.
Wherever, wherever, wherever you go.
Oh wherever you go I always know Cause you make me smile Even just for a while.

quicksand.

OK… now the monster is awake

it won’t rest until there's nothing left

maybe ever and anon

I forget about the pain

someone bending light comes along

and flowers lean towards the sun

some people fall in love and touch the sky

some people fall in love and find quicksand

I hover somewhere in between…

I swear…

I can’t make up my mind

light as cotton.

for months i've written nothing
nothing real nothing from inside
and i find myself wanting
to burst.. to let it out

i have you in my thoughts
usually.. all the time
i have you under my skin
always there, never far

discovering words once again
that i thought i'd forgotten
experiencing feelings that had left me
but now are here, as light as cotton

they dont weigh me down
i sometimes even forget they're there
they're so natural, so upcoming
they melt under your stare

and i still feel the butterflies
asi i did the first day
i wonder if you feel them too
how about the sounds in your stomach's lair?

if only we could understand what is in our hearts
without words without arguments
just with a touch

if i could learn to understand
every gesture every smile
if you could see under
every giggle every frown

hear the beating of what is growing
in my chest and only for you
learn to accept that we are going
exactly where we want to

and i melt when you hold my hand
and i blush when you're near
and i just wanna say
i can erase your every fear

newskin.