to good to be true..
maybe i took for granted to many positive qualities that you could never possess. maybe i thought that you were it, but there can never be enough light in you to see me the way i saw you. you were the hours to my days and the thoughts to my sleep.. but it was all in vain. nothing can erase time invested in living things, in my book the quality of our short time together over throws any flaw or colossal mistake.. but obviously, not in yours. with my head up high, im proud to say, im glad i found out that you weren't it for me.. but it never seizes to amaze me in what cruel ways the earth decides to turn on its self.
touching yesterday..
you enter unnanouced.. welcomed in the room.. although never expected. and everytime you're back its like you never left.. like the first time ever.. when the world for a moment stopped and was a pebble in my palm. so many times i wish that i could go back to those days, when your reflection shined in my eyes so brightly that it slightly made everything tarnished. nothing was and never will be quite like your impression on me.
and everytime you come back its like if it was still that day, when lips agaisnt cheek whispered the rekindling of spirits, the freedom that only knowledge and silence bring. everytime i give up on feeling anything you stray upon my path. everytime stronger and leaving more unmendables by your wrath. it would be better if i closed my eyes to you, but how can i deny them such warmth?, how can i deny them the only moment when they achieve their goal?.. to stare endlessly into the colored flares of your eyes. the sky was never enough to forget you.. i pray for a soul that knows nothing of your lips and for hands that know nothing of the warmth that only your fingers bring. if i had the strength that you need to not stray from me again.. but if you haven't found it inside yourself yet.. you weaken me.
people pass by, and things change in forward cue, and no matter how fast i desire to move, i always come back to here, the place that makes me want to want you. its the place i like best, no matter how old, how well known or how wrong it might be. living a hell, even living your ghost.. this is where i prefer to lay.. never seem to get exactly where im going before i end up here.
sometimes i wonder if i would prefer to have had never had you.. so i wouldn't need you the way i need you now.. with the warm light i need you now.. without knowing what to do.. whether to feel or think, but still today think about countless hours where i binded myself to you. and today the ropes that bind me are stronger than ever.. at night thoughts escape from my soul complemented body.. where there still is something hidden from the night.. a dear secret kept close to my heart. a night filled with light produced by the floating notes dispersed from your voice. still today.. bodies and souls.. still today wander and seek whats true. still today i fear the word that throbs through my veins.. and only for you.
and every time i swear that this will be the last night, when i will finish with all the ilusions that have been left, every root in this heart, and every look from those eyes, every word and reminder of that voice.. with every tear from my eyes.. but this last night haunts me, as well as it drowns my sleep; singing tunes of pain near my ear. seas born in my eyes, in solitude, in negligence.. but this last night haunts me. the moon: is its ally.
and there are days when i might call, where i might try contact.. with an excuse of a "how are you? how's everything?" and its just because nights pass me by, and sleep seizes to arrive. if you only knew how i miss thee. im convinced that things where never better then when it was "we." and my worth plummits at your absence.
but i must confess that when you left i found ways to live without you.. to take a breath after your final one. i've returned to be the one who drowns everytime i discover you belong to someone else. im sorry to say that when you left things changed, i sold your memory and bought something new to wish for.. and failed. days, weeks and months passed.. in absence of your silhouette. i was different when you were near.. i still wish to be binded to you. but i question, "how can you be far?".. when proximity is my only elixir. i can no longer bare the distance, its impossible to undergo one more day without you, i must find the way to always have you close.. it may have no solution.. it will probably be one more day without you. there's nothing to do; what should i say? and dont say you never knew me, dont say you never knew the intensity of a fire's flames, for they burned your cheeks as well as mine. will i ever breathe as if air isn't breathed by you some place far away?
the truth: nobody knows. everything's great, i enjoy my solitude, i discovered the perfect formula where i no longer wait for you, popular amongst others, some constant distant ringing of some electronic device, and i no longer use the perfume you like; in a world filled by appearences where eyes wander from reality. and nobody sees the real me, that is only me when i am filled by the sentiments of desire that remind me of you. emotions pressure my bloodline.. sometimes it draws weak.. in the hell that memories bring me to, where i can't forget.
and its just that i'd like to be what i am to you in my head. maybe i didn't speak when it was needed, but my eyes said everything that was, and flares of comprehension made me feel safe.
but feelings are made to mark, to leave their tracks deep inside, where they can never be erased. beacuse things never finish with "goodbye".. being absent doesn't make you gone. have present that it doesn't anull memories or buys forgiving.. and will never take you off the map.. the farther you are the more i remember, no matter how much i want you gone.. and i ask myself a thousand times.. "how long will you remain pasted to my insides?" your cruelty feeds off my blood, scratching my soul and tearing at my heart. you can't erase it, a story of so many nights, you can't burn the glory that might one day have been achieved from a word to an ear. lift me up, to throw me down, picking me up once more, and keep me where you wish.. where you've always kept me, in a place you know you will always go back to at the end of the day.. the day that fills your days of things you don't really need, but that give you the false feeling of satisfaction.. but its all a lie.
and everytime you come back its like if it was still that day, when lips agaisnt cheek whispered the rekindling of spirits, the freedom that only knowledge and silence bring. everytime i give up on feeling anything you stray upon my path. everytime stronger and leaving more unmendables by your wrath. it would be better if i closed my eyes to you, but how can i deny them such warmth?, how can i deny them the only moment when they achieve their goal?.. to stare endlessly into the colored flares of your eyes. the sky was never enough to forget you.. i pray for a soul that knows nothing of your lips and for hands that know nothing of the warmth that only your fingers bring. if i had the strength that you need to not stray from me again.. but if you haven't found it inside yourself yet.. you weaken me.
people pass by, and things change in forward cue, and no matter how fast i desire to move, i always come back to here, the place that makes me want to want you. its the place i like best, no matter how old, how well known or how wrong it might be. living a hell, even living your ghost.. this is where i prefer to lay.. never seem to get exactly where im going before i end up here.
sometimes i wonder if i would prefer to have had never had you.. so i wouldn't need you the way i need you now.. with the warm light i need you now.. without knowing what to do.. whether to feel or think, but still today think about countless hours where i binded myself to you. and today the ropes that bind me are stronger than ever.. at night thoughts escape from my soul complemented body.. where there still is something hidden from the night.. a dear secret kept close to my heart. a night filled with light produced by the floating notes dispersed from your voice. still today.. bodies and souls.. still today wander and seek whats true. still today i fear the word that throbs through my veins.. and only for you.
and every time i swear that this will be the last night, when i will finish with all the ilusions that have been left, every root in this heart, and every look from those eyes, every word and reminder of that voice.. with every tear from my eyes.. but this last night haunts me, as well as it drowns my sleep; singing tunes of pain near my ear. seas born in my eyes, in solitude, in negligence.. but this last night haunts me. the moon: is its ally.
and there are days when i might call, where i might try contact.. with an excuse of a "how are you? how's everything?" and its just because nights pass me by, and sleep seizes to arrive. if you only knew how i miss thee. im convinced that things where never better then when it was "we." and my worth plummits at your absence.
but i must confess that when you left i found ways to live without you.. to take a breath after your final one. i've returned to be the one who drowns everytime i discover you belong to someone else. im sorry to say that when you left things changed, i sold your memory and bought something new to wish for.. and failed. days, weeks and months passed.. in absence of your silhouette. i was different when you were near.. i still wish to be binded to you. but i question, "how can you be far?".. when proximity is my only elixir. i can no longer bare the distance, its impossible to undergo one more day without you, i must find the way to always have you close.. it may have no solution.. it will probably be one more day without you. there's nothing to do; what should i say? and dont say you never knew me, dont say you never knew the intensity of a fire's flames, for they burned your cheeks as well as mine. will i ever breathe as if air isn't breathed by you some place far away?
the truth: nobody knows. everything's great, i enjoy my solitude, i discovered the perfect formula where i no longer wait for you, popular amongst others, some constant distant ringing of some electronic device, and i no longer use the perfume you like; in a world filled by appearences where eyes wander from reality. and nobody sees the real me, that is only me when i am filled by the sentiments of desire that remind me of you. emotions pressure my bloodline.. sometimes it draws weak.. in the hell that memories bring me to, where i can't forget.
and its just that i'd like to be what i am to you in my head. maybe i didn't speak when it was needed, but my eyes said everything that was, and flares of comprehension made me feel safe.
but feelings are made to mark, to leave their tracks deep inside, where they can never be erased. beacuse things never finish with "goodbye".. being absent doesn't make you gone. have present that it doesn't anull memories or buys forgiving.. and will never take you off the map.. the farther you are the more i remember, no matter how much i want you gone.. and i ask myself a thousand times.. "how long will you remain pasted to my insides?" your cruelty feeds off my blood, scratching my soul and tearing at my heart. you can't erase it, a story of so many nights, you can't burn the glory that might one day have been achieved from a word to an ear. lift me up, to throw me down, picking me up once more, and keep me where you wish.. where you've always kept me, in a place you know you will always go back to at the end of the day.. the day that fills your days of things you don't really need, but that give you the false feeling of satisfaction.. but its all a lie.
yesterday..
he was strong
filling me with delight
and other foreign names
he left as he came.
i miss the words pronounced
evaporate in the air
with yesterday's old rain
leaving as it came.
fill me up once more
wave goodbye to me
and those thousand names
of things we'll never be.
filling me with delight
and other foreign names
he left as he came.
i miss the words pronounced
evaporate in the air
with yesterday's old rain
leaving as it came.
fill me up once more
wave goodbye to me
and those thousand names
of things we'll never be.
IRO-Bot
In our days we've mourned insignias
The passing glance unstamped
We’ve rendered ourselves powerless, unfortunate
The useless mend the fixed
And on every hour it detonates
My courage goes unlooked
The ride home through perilous
The land it goes, I will…
You’ve been a bad boy
You broke all the rules
You’ve been a bad boy
You’ll get yours paid in full
IRO-Bot will never die
My Robot will never die
You look down, but far from out,
And the paper reads, "You lose."
IRO-Bot will never kill.
A favor captain, a word with you
My systems gone and lost its mind
My right eye has done shed a tear
My gun I’ve left behind
Will systems take me home and dissemble me?
Will I be terminated with you near?
Alongside the others that I hold so close
If I'm to be killed, then when? by whom?
You’ve been a bad boy
You broke all the rules
You’ve been a bad boy
You’ll get yours paid in full
IRO-Bot will never die
My Robot will never die
You look down, but far from out,
And the paper reads, "You Lose."
IRO-Bot will never die.
The passing glance unstamped
We’ve rendered ourselves powerless, unfortunate
The useless mend the fixed
And on every hour it detonates
My courage goes unlooked
The ride home through perilous
The land it goes, I will…
You’ve been a bad boy
You broke all the rules
You’ve been a bad boy
You’ll get yours paid in full
IRO-Bot will never die
My Robot will never die
You look down, but far from out,
And the paper reads, "You lose."
IRO-Bot will never kill.
A favor captain, a word with you
My systems gone and lost its mind
My right eye has done shed a tear
My gun I’ve left behind
Will systems take me home and dissemble me?
Will I be terminated with you near?
Alongside the others that I hold so close
If I'm to be killed, then when? by whom?
You’ve been a bad boy
You broke all the rules
You’ve been a bad boy
You’ll get yours paid in full
IRO-Bot will never die
My Robot will never die
You look down, but far from out,
And the paper reads, "You Lose."
IRO-Bot will never die.
see through, not clear enough..
even when you think things might have been see through, to some people they'll never be transparent enough. you didn't see me, you never saw me, you only saw what you needed to see.. and now you claim i was out of sight. when i know that i was all in your line of visual. waiting, longing.. for a word or maybe a glance that might reveal some of you inner thoughts. i know you, i know the way your thoughts work their way through your head.. i think you were afraid to see me.. you feared that you would want for yourself what was entering through your eyes and slowly warming your heart.
countless moments your eyes captured mine, and for seconds there was nothing else. how can a single path of eye contact generate such heat to ignite your cheeks as well as mine. and i fell in love with the way your eyes wandered over to mine, the way you saw me without seeing, the way you spoke without words, and the way you touched my heart with your hand. the way we engraved ourselves in each others memories forever. and i tried to find a way to your heart, a loud way.. that could be shouted into the wind with no use for words; but i never found the key to the doors of matters of the heart. for i think your heart didn't keep the key, but your head hid it well from what people would think, what was expected. my heart kindled for yours, and time passed, bodies interposed between us, but still glances transfixed. my head tumbles as i try to remember what was shaken everytime i felt you near, what would plummet at every disappointment.
i wanted you for myself for so long that i didn't know how to want something else. i think i'll always want you for myself. but like all must pass i gave you up, you left me no other choice, it hurt me deeply.. scarring me.. deeply. and now, years passed you tell me all that could have been, and how you could of been mine, and these eyes could have been yours. but i think my heart will never beat twice the way it did. for see through is not clear enough, and a heart can't take twice a kindle of sight so dear to me.
countless moments your eyes captured mine, and for seconds there was nothing else. how can a single path of eye contact generate such heat to ignite your cheeks as well as mine. and i fell in love with the way your eyes wandered over to mine, the way you saw me without seeing, the way you spoke without words, and the way you touched my heart with your hand. the way we engraved ourselves in each others memories forever. and i tried to find a way to your heart, a loud way.. that could be shouted into the wind with no use for words; but i never found the key to the doors of matters of the heart. for i think your heart didn't keep the key, but your head hid it well from what people would think, what was expected. my heart kindled for yours, and time passed, bodies interposed between us, but still glances transfixed. my head tumbles as i try to remember what was shaken everytime i felt you near, what would plummet at every disappointment.
i wanted you for myself for so long that i didn't know how to want something else. i think i'll always want you for myself. but like all must pass i gave you up, you left me no other choice, it hurt me deeply.. scarring me.. deeply. and now, years passed you tell me all that could have been, and how you could of been mine, and these eyes could have been yours. but i think my heart will never beat twice the way it did. for see through is not clear enough, and a heart can't take twice a kindle of sight so dear to me.
circles..
i've tried so intently to drown you in the back of my head, but with no success what so ever. i'm trying to erase you from thought, erase you from touch and sight.. erase you from memories. i'm trying.. what i was so clear on, what was set in my mind, clear above all.. begins to blur and tell me that i don't control my decisions or my emotions.. they don't belong to me. and i just can't wait the moment when you don't come to mind before i close my eyes.. or maybe i'll never let myself not see you when i open them as the sun comes to greet another day that will be filled with you. i dreamt about you last night, and i contradicted everything i've told you in the past month while i've been awake and "sane". my throat is soar from screaming your name in my silence, the nothing that extends through out nights glazed with you. last night i could almost touch you, i never thought i would be so close again, but even dreams reveal a glimpse of reality.. reminding me that i will forget how your skin felt under my fingers. i could never quite touch you.
sleepless dreams..
even sleeping has become complicated for me.. nights are filled with twists and turns.. unsettling feelings.. thoughts that don't bring me calm; memories that only cause distress. i decide to go to bed because i know i should, not because sleep has invited me to join it. as i lay in bed, pulling the covers close to my face.. i try to think about something worth thinking, something that i would like to dream about.. this plan always backfires. these thoughts, that i illusively would like to turn into dreams, only snowball into different facts that bring me nothing but a state of emergency that evades sleep on all levels.
lately i've been dreaming the most absurd things, introducing into them people i would never think i would dream about, and much worst people i don't even think exist. situations that i've never found myself in and that i would never manage the way i have in these recent dreams. but what is most odd of all is that when im within my dream, and another person is in it, usually of the opposite sex.. he is the same person, but with a different appearance as the dream evolves.
and lately i find myself thinking to much of yesterday.. and what everything used to be like; i'm afraid i might make a wrong decision in the melancholy of a moment.. for there are words that i miss, and feelings that now it seems i can't live without. i miss situations that used to fill my everyday. come and fill them for me, i'd really like you to.. so i can fill my days with you.. and not with what used to be. i cant make my present with something that is already past.. i want to make it new.
andnomatterwhoidreamwithitsyouithinkaboutwheniawake.
lately i've been dreaming the most absurd things, introducing into them people i would never think i would dream about, and much worst people i don't even think exist. situations that i've never found myself in and that i would never manage the way i have in these recent dreams. but what is most odd of all is that when im within my dream, and another person is in it, usually of the opposite sex.. he is the same person, but with a different appearance as the dream evolves.
and lately i find myself thinking to much of yesterday.. and what everything used to be like; i'm afraid i might make a wrong decision in the melancholy of a moment.. for there are words that i miss, and feelings that now it seems i can't live without. i miss situations that used to fill my everyday. come and fill them for me, i'd really like you to.. so i can fill my days with you.. and not with what used to be. i cant make my present with something that is already past.. i want to make it new.
andnomatterwhoidreamwithitsyouithinkaboutwheniawake.
life and some lines..
"a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words are superfluos." -- Ingrid Bergman
"all the great pleasures in life are silent." -- George Clemenceau
"i'm as bad as the worst, but thank God, i'm as good as the best." -- Walt Whitman
"there are no facts, only interpretations." --Nietzsche
"the earth laughs in flowers." -- E.E. Cummings
"peel back the bruises and what you're left with is the damaged new you." --me
"My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary."-- Emily Bronte
"don't stop living because life's a mess, you'll find yourself waiting for it not to be.. and the only thing thats going to be there with you to help fix the mess is loneliness." --me
"Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide." --
"all the great pleasures in life are silent." -- George Clemenceau
"i'm as bad as the worst, but thank God, i'm as good as the best." -- Walt Whitman
"there are no facts, only interpretations." --Nietzsche
"the earth laughs in flowers." -- E.E. Cummings
"peel back the bruises and what you're left with is the damaged new you." --me
"My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary."-- Emily Bronte
"don't stop living because life's a mess, you'll find yourself waiting for it not to be.. and the only thing thats going to be there with you to help fix the mess is loneliness." --me
"Great wits are sure to madness near allied, and thin partitions do their bounds divide." --
the time it takes to say hello..
and everyday waits for your face to smile the way you do when something tickles your insides. lighting you up. bold and bright in the luminescent darkness that is my now. to think of you is to remember your smile, to hear the sound of laughter from your lips; the hope of experiencing that routine keeps me here. g.a.b
always
i think i'm screaming so loudly sound has failed me. brains all around me have ordered eyes to not perceive me; i'm right here.. but not existent to all. i've forgotten days before this one, this day seems exactly like the last.. i am living a day within a day.. a cycle of non-change that haunts me. the dreams within my nightmare are the only ones that keep me insane enough to continue a routine that becomes me.
lend a hand to my undisclosed circle.. let me see beyond it's radius, show me a different light. i'm waiting for fingers to point me in the direction of what used to be my everyday. i've yet to find something that will make me different, that will take me back to where i never was.
you're a mystery to me, and i don't know when you'll come nor how long i'll have to wait for your breath.. but oblivious to reality.. i long. noise becomes a melody in the background of my life in a day.. i'm searching. the word that will make me whole again. i don't ask for eternity, only a few moments that might bring me sleep.
lend a hand to my undisclosed circle.. let me see beyond it's radius, show me a different light. i'm waiting for fingers to point me in the direction of what used to be my everyday. i've yet to find something that will make me different, that will take me back to where i never was.
you're a mystery to me, and i don't know when you'll come nor how long i'll have to wait for your breath.. but oblivious to reality.. i long. noise becomes a melody in the background of my life in a day.. i'm searching. the word that will make me whole again. i don't ask for eternity, only a few moments that might bring me sleep.
longing.
the things that make me think to much, are the things that make me wanna let go; inviting me to take a step on the other side of wonder. Begin to see true colors, not watermarks of what could have been. If some how i could unlearn you from within..
jan. 9th '05
jan. 9th '05
asleep.
last night the search seized, maybe just only for a few minutes, but i didn't have to look anymore. right infront of me, the object of my month's search; i found you. and as if nothing had changed you served for youself what was pouring from my eyes, taking advantage of my fixed stare. you saw what i needed, what i need right now; no need for words, you would find out. nothing has changed since the last of things, nothing has transformed the feeling they bring. i still think about you, i havent forgotten the words said. never have i overlooked the touch that keeps me burned. your effect on me, engraved forever, its on my skin, with every endeavor.
dec 30th '04
dec 30th '04
ready.
and as if i were slowly melting away, as i inhale i hear the pitter patter of my watery insides. what will become of me after all water has dried away? will i still have this feeling that warms me from within? but it doesn't seize at warm, it continues to ascend in temperature; making things too sweltering to bare. burning my edges and other memories in the adjacency of thought. and temperature was always my flaw, nothing could warm me then; making me appear strong and independent. you chiseled my exterior, leaving my warmness exposed and vulnerable, im ready. where are you now?
dec. 27th '04
dec. 27th '04
in the waiting line..
i think ever since we met i've been puzzled, never knowing what to think or do next; the mystery has extended its self for over a year now. moments of extreme proximity have also been dressed with instants of vile hostility. no matter how close i feel to achieving possession, in the intent of savoring the moment i loose it. like a rope protesting at being tugged in opposite directions, the relationship screams of confusion and distrust.
for a moon bathed moment i was ever so close, so close to something that i didn't know i would want now; if in some way i would of know that from that instant i could have prepared for now, i would of taken matters into my own hands, but the past is unchangeable. day after day, letter after letter, word after word, i've grown fonder. after i fell from the place where i had put myself for a few months, i never pictured the climb back up again.. i had seized to want something for myself. but only the memories of that moon bathed moment make me not fear falling again.
we've been dancing around it forever, but i thought i would be left to dance alone.. filling me with indecision and lethargic reactions into which step to take next. i thought i couldn't be seen with the eyes i expel amongst what i desire, i feared not being wanted in return, for only one thing i was sure was shared in common. i hoped profoundly to overcome the primal interest and for it to trascend into something deeper and meaningful.. i wanted it so. at moments i thought i had reached it, while i vested in my glory, the rug was pulled from under my feet; leaving me defenseless to face reality, with no armor.. with no sword.
i've been standing in this waiting line for so long, because its the only thing i've wanted since i decided i didn't deserve to want anymore. the only thing i think is worth trust, when i thought i had closed the door. i can't hang my coat just yet, its raining and it will be cold, but if i just knew what road to take, to open that last door.
"ifyoucouldseeitlikeiseeittherewouldbenoobjectionsordiscussions.
youwouldseetheblossomof whatwouldmakeusbothgrow." g.a.b.
for a moon bathed moment i was ever so close, so close to something that i didn't know i would want now; if in some way i would of know that from that instant i could have prepared for now, i would of taken matters into my own hands, but the past is unchangeable. day after day, letter after letter, word after word, i've grown fonder. after i fell from the place where i had put myself for a few months, i never pictured the climb back up again.. i had seized to want something for myself. but only the memories of that moon bathed moment make me not fear falling again.
we've been dancing around it forever, but i thought i would be left to dance alone.. filling me with indecision and lethargic reactions into which step to take next. i thought i couldn't be seen with the eyes i expel amongst what i desire, i feared not being wanted in return, for only one thing i was sure was shared in common. i hoped profoundly to overcome the primal interest and for it to trascend into something deeper and meaningful.. i wanted it so. at moments i thought i had reached it, while i vested in my glory, the rug was pulled from under my feet; leaving me defenseless to face reality, with no armor.. with no sword.
i've been standing in this waiting line for so long, because its the only thing i've wanted since i decided i didn't deserve to want anymore. the only thing i think is worth trust, when i thought i had closed the door. i can't hang my coat just yet, its raining and it will be cold, but if i just knew what road to take, to open that last door.
"ifyoucouldseeitlikeiseeittherewouldbenoobjectionsordiscussions.
youwouldseetheblossomof whatwouldmakeusbothgrow." g.a.b.
today, tomorrow, yesterday, a year ago..
is everything always going to be the same? no matter how much you think things are changing or have always changed for you, life always find a way back to you.. and makes you feel your heading back to the slow painful mind throbbing knee jerk reaction of regression. i thought i had finally been marked, burned, scarred for better or worst, but i was different, daylight shines on my not yet opened eyes and introduces the past in what i looked upon as the future.
lately..
things always come out the way you first expect them to, but then decide no to expect things so you toss that idea to the side.. and then it just happens to be you were right in the first place. in life there will always be people that you will try to get on their nerves, and when you finally do and they decide to play the pride card.. give it a few weeks, or even a few days.. and they will most probably be back. if this doesn't work, you will be very disappointed. i really needed to get out of here, i remember that i was following my boring routine down to the bone, laying on my brother's couch when i told him " i wanna go on a trip, i wanna get outta this country." 48 hrs had not elapsed when i received a call from my omma ( grandmother in german) asking me to spend a few weeks with her in miami, FL. i took her up on her offer immediately, and changed my focus into pressuring my dad to book my flight.
first time i traveled alone, it was a little tricky the airport protocol, but i arrived safely to the plane, and when i sat down i felt like atleast 50% of the weight was off me. it was a little plane, and it moved a little more than would of been pleasant. but it was a beautiful flight, it was sunset when we took off, and the couple sitting next to me let me see out the window. hear some music during the flight, and got REALLY hungry but decided not to spend my overly counted dollars on overpriced junkfood that was offered by the flight attendants. i arrived at FT. LAUDERDALE airport, where things were easy going, the airport was basically empty; when i arrived at immigration after a respectful line the officer that i handed my passport made it less than ideal. he was set on the triumph in his own agenda of just having landed a fake passport from Austria. well, he did not succeed, after 30 mins of questions about my birthdate, nationality, and place of birth.. the computer finally accepted my passport # and i was free to head on to baggage claim. i got my suitcase almost immediately and headed out to where i hoped from the bottom of my gut that there were someone waiting for me. my cousin, and my grandparents were anxiously waiting.
my stay in aventura, miami was extremely pleasant.. i vested in the luxury of electricity 24/7 and perfect internet; a room with my own computer, my own phone, my own tv. i really liked the life and the cleanness and how everyone was so nice.. but it was SO HOT. but all good things must come to and end. i had to come back home, and truth be told i missed my family and i missed my boring routine. well i arrived here, with an extra suitcase, and my original one abnormally heavier. i had to wait more ore less half an hr for my incomplete family to arrive, and i talked A LOT in the car, i guess i had a lot to say, and they all seemed so different to me.
i missed my house more than i was aware, and came up the stairs and went to my parents' room where the unpacking ritual always takes place. and gave them everything that was for them, and they all seemed happy. after a few hrs of unpacking and organizing i went to bed. and the first call i received to welcome me home was the person that initially had played the pride card. it was kinda nice, short and sweet. time elapsed and we spoke again but always ending in the same subject that never ends well, and i think it never will because it is not to be talked about.. its meant to happen if it does, with no pre-planning. i dont know if its a good idea or if it isn't, i just dont want to know anything before hand ever again, i prefer to be shocked with the present.
first time i traveled alone, it was a little tricky the airport protocol, but i arrived safely to the plane, and when i sat down i felt like atleast 50% of the weight was off me. it was a little plane, and it moved a little more than would of been pleasant. but it was a beautiful flight, it was sunset when we took off, and the couple sitting next to me let me see out the window. hear some music during the flight, and got REALLY hungry but decided not to spend my overly counted dollars on overpriced junkfood that was offered by the flight attendants. i arrived at FT. LAUDERDALE airport, where things were easy going, the airport was basically empty; when i arrived at immigration after a respectful line the officer that i handed my passport made it less than ideal. he was set on the triumph in his own agenda of just having landed a fake passport from Austria. well, he did not succeed, after 30 mins of questions about my birthdate, nationality, and place of birth.. the computer finally accepted my passport # and i was free to head on to baggage claim. i got my suitcase almost immediately and headed out to where i hoped from the bottom of my gut that there were someone waiting for me. my cousin, and my grandparents were anxiously waiting.
my stay in aventura, miami was extremely pleasant.. i vested in the luxury of electricity 24/7 and perfect internet; a room with my own computer, my own phone, my own tv. i really liked the life and the cleanness and how everyone was so nice.. but it was SO HOT. but all good things must come to and end. i had to come back home, and truth be told i missed my family and i missed my boring routine. well i arrived here, with an extra suitcase, and my original one abnormally heavier. i had to wait more ore less half an hr for my incomplete family to arrive, and i talked A LOT in the car, i guess i had a lot to say, and they all seemed so different to me.
i missed my house more than i was aware, and came up the stairs and went to my parents' room where the unpacking ritual always takes place. and gave them everything that was for them, and they all seemed happy. after a few hrs of unpacking and organizing i went to bed. and the first call i received to welcome me home was the person that initially had played the pride card. it was kinda nice, short and sweet. time elapsed and we spoke again but always ending in the same subject that never ends well, and i think it never will because it is not to be talked about.. its meant to happen if it does, with no pre-planning. i dont know if its a good idea or if it isn't, i just dont want to know anything before hand ever again, i prefer to be shocked with the present.
all you need is motive
now i look back on friday.. previous plans were post-poned, leaving me no other choice but to quickly elaborate an alternate plan, to escape the boredom that my house would with hold for me. so my mind begins to work in the weird ways it usually does, and i initiate a conversation with victim #1; only because i know that this person is capable of escorting me out of this source of nothing to do. contact established with victim #1, don't know what we are to do, but atleast i know for sure i will not be a prisoner of my own four walls. i get this call from friend x, friend x is a she, whom also does not wish to be a victim of boredom, so she quickly elaborates a plan that involves 2 unknown specimens to me, but one of them is previously noted by her.
** a dilemma appears, should i stick to my original plan with victim #1? where only things that i have experienced before might happen, or.. should i engage in a different activity, guided by friend x; where i just might slightly divert myself from what is my everyday?**
the dilemma ends shortly, after a quick analysis of the situation, i go with plan b, ofcourse, always in search of the unknown. through a white lie i am able to get my self out of my original plan. (*note: the only true motive of the lie was to avoid hurt feelings, therefore i consider it a nice lie.) So.. i call friend x, tell her i'm on board, and proceed to wait to be picked up by her and both unknown specimens, here at my residence. finally my celphone rings, its fun tune, and i leave my house, and on my driveway i see the vehicle in which im being picked up, brandnew SUV.. interesting.. i was recently wondering when i was going to go on a ride in it, nobody i knew had yet to own one. i salut the people in the car as i get in, the person driving, whom i am to call specimen #1, he barely turns around, so i cant see his face; but from his reaction to my hello, i know he's self-confident to an extent that he likes being laughed at. specimen #2, named this way only to follow certain logic, is silent in the passenger's seat, but i immediately sense the sexual-tension between him and friend x, though she is sitting in the back with me, she is behind specimen #2's seat, very close to his head rest. they seem to be ok guys, and more importantly, comment at the fact that im not talkative.
**im never talkative with people i just meet, there is always this period of time i go through in which i try to absorb everything in the atmosphere around as to better know on what ground i stand.**
they establish, as we enter the center of the city, that they're hungry and want fast-food, but not from a fast-food joint.. go figure. so friend x tells them where to go, and so we do, the 4 of us get out of the brand new silver shiny SUV and walk into the fast-food serving, non fast-food joint. friend x, thinks she's clever, but she underestimates my own obscure form of cleverness. as we direct ourselves to a table, i know she wishes to sit next to specimen #1, but i beat her to it, and seat myself next to him.. and at this moment is when for the first time i can truly screen him and know what he looks like. a conversation ignites, friend x is trying to dazzle him with her charm, although i'm sitting next to him, she is sitting right in front of him, she is up on me for the very important factor of eye contact. suddenly the topic diverts into current careers, and he seems to be slightly impressed with my choice. to one point they leave the table, and friend x and i decide to put everything out in the open, before the night evolves further; it is clear specimen #2 is interested in her, but this being noted she expresses her interest for specimen #1, she suggests a 2 for 2, i immediately make my position known, saying i prefer a 2 for 1, for specimen #2 is of no interest to me.. at the moment, nor was specimen #1.
we're back in this incredible interior of an automobile, i really like this nissan.. we're on the way to the house where we will be entertained for the rest of the evening.. everything owned by specimen #1. just arriving at his humble abode, his garage reveals oh but the finest of all riches.. very very expensive automobiles. nothing but lexus, MB, infiniti, and the nissan that wonderfully transported us for the prior section of the evening. we slowly enter the house.. and for what i experienced in the moments it took me to go through it is not to be put down with words.. this was the most elaborate, non complex, perfect to the magnitude of simply impressive breath-taking but at the same time air supplying house i have ever entered, and spent a night in. the following events occur with no other interesting speedbumps, just minor ones like specimen #1's question to friend x, he asks with a hint of curiosity what her zodiac sign might be, as she reveals hers he says they are not to be mixed, revealing his own, this is where i come in and reveal mine, only because of the coincidence that we share signs; and this is when he profusely expresses how we are definitely not to be mixed. (*note: this maybe the turning point that makes everything in a succession of events possible.) time goes by, uneventfully, until they express their interest for friend x and i to introduce ourselves into the pool, she tries to get out of it, even though she is wearing her bathing suit, and she asked me to wear mine to this occasion (*note: very odd of friend x btw, she usually rejects events involving bathing suits.) specimen #1 notices how i do not mind a quick dip in the pool, the only thing that seems to hold me back is the company of friend x. i decide to go change, while i am at this task i wonder what specimens 1 and 2 might be planning.. i come out of the bathroom, in suit, with towel around my waist. i decide to progressively enter the pool, a step at a time, and specimen #1 joins me at my task, but this is where he decided that we should do it all at once. so i get out of the pool, where he and i stand next to each other on the edge of the pool, with the plan that we are both going to dive in together, he is holding my hand, a non necessary detail by the way. i don't trust him, i tell him that he will only trick me, this is where i express my need for a small weiger.. something had to be done if either one of us tried to trick the other, unfortunately he was to fast for me, and pulled me into the pool with him.
the 4 of us are in the pool, casual conversations take place, friend x warms up to specimen #2, with no other choice, she's seen that specimen #1 is directed to me in a conversation based on my ways, and how everything he says is exactly the way it is. specimen #1 begins to impress me, everything he expresses is correct about myself, and further more interesting, is true for him too. we decide to change our location, and arrive at the hot-tub, that it HOT.. i go in, then come specimen #2, friend x, and finally specimen #1. this last one mentioned instantly sits beside me, for the situation is already plotted, friend x has revealed a certain tendency to specimen #2.
a series of events begin to occur, that i am unable to reveal to you; but what they do reveal to me is the certainty of the 27 years of age of specimen #1, and how he and i met each other for some reason i yet do not understand. we are strangely alike, and although this is a fact, faith and life point to the probability that this won't sprout into something significant. i have no regrets of the events that occurred involving him, they left me with a lot to learn, and a lot to think about. but i am sure of one small detail, the fact that he said that the coincidence of our zodiac sign made us incompatible, is motive for all the events that followed.
** a dilemma appears, should i stick to my original plan with victim #1? where only things that i have experienced before might happen, or.. should i engage in a different activity, guided by friend x; where i just might slightly divert myself from what is my everyday?**
the dilemma ends shortly, after a quick analysis of the situation, i go with plan b, ofcourse, always in search of the unknown. through a white lie i am able to get my self out of my original plan. (*note: the only true motive of the lie was to avoid hurt feelings, therefore i consider it a nice lie.) So.. i call friend x, tell her i'm on board, and proceed to wait to be picked up by her and both unknown specimens, here at my residence. finally my celphone rings, its fun tune, and i leave my house, and on my driveway i see the vehicle in which im being picked up, brandnew SUV.. interesting.. i was recently wondering when i was going to go on a ride in it, nobody i knew had yet to own one. i salut the people in the car as i get in, the person driving, whom i am to call specimen #1, he barely turns around, so i cant see his face; but from his reaction to my hello, i know he's self-confident to an extent that he likes being laughed at. specimen #2, named this way only to follow certain logic, is silent in the passenger's seat, but i immediately sense the sexual-tension between him and friend x, though she is sitting in the back with me, she is behind specimen #2's seat, very close to his head rest. they seem to be ok guys, and more importantly, comment at the fact that im not talkative.
**im never talkative with people i just meet, there is always this period of time i go through in which i try to absorb everything in the atmosphere around as to better know on what ground i stand.**
they establish, as we enter the center of the city, that they're hungry and want fast-food, but not from a fast-food joint.. go figure. so friend x tells them where to go, and so we do, the 4 of us get out of the brand new silver shiny SUV and walk into the fast-food serving, non fast-food joint. friend x, thinks she's clever, but she underestimates my own obscure form of cleverness. as we direct ourselves to a table, i know she wishes to sit next to specimen #1, but i beat her to it, and seat myself next to him.. and at this moment is when for the first time i can truly screen him and know what he looks like. a conversation ignites, friend x is trying to dazzle him with her charm, although i'm sitting next to him, she is sitting right in front of him, she is up on me for the very important factor of eye contact. suddenly the topic diverts into current careers, and he seems to be slightly impressed with my choice. to one point they leave the table, and friend x and i decide to put everything out in the open, before the night evolves further; it is clear specimen #2 is interested in her, but this being noted she expresses her interest for specimen #1, she suggests a 2 for 2, i immediately make my position known, saying i prefer a 2 for 1, for specimen #2 is of no interest to me.. at the moment, nor was specimen #1.
we're back in this incredible interior of an automobile, i really like this nissan.. we're on the way to the house where we will be entertained for the rest of the evening.. everything owned by specimen #1. just arriving at his humble abode, his garage reveals oh but the finest of all riches.. very very expensive automobiles. nothing but lexus, MB, infiniti, and the nissan that wonderfully transported us for the prior section of the evening. we slowly enter the house.. and for what i experienced in the moments it took me to go through it is not to be put down with words.. this was the most elaborate, non complex, perfect to the magnitude of simply impressive breath-taking but at the same time air supplying house i have ever entered, and spent a night in. the following events occur with no other interesting speedbumps, just minor ones like specimen #1's question to friend x, he asks with a hint of curiosity what her zodiac sign might be, as she reveals hers he says they are not to be mixed, revealing his own, this is where i come in and reveal mine, only because of the coincidence that we share signs; and this is when he profusely expresses how we are definitely not to be mixed. (*note: this maybe the turning point that makes everything in a succession of events possible.) time goes by, uneventfully, until they express their interest for friend x and i to introduce ourselves into the pool, she tries to get out of it, even though she is wearing her bathing suit, and she asked me to wear mine to this occasion (*note: very odd of friend x btw, she usually rejects events involving bathing suits.) specimen #1 notices how i do not mind a quick dip in the pool, the only thing that seems to hold me back is the company of friend x. i decide to go change, while i am at this task i wonder what specimens 1 and 2 might be planning.. i come out of the bathroom, in suit, with towel around my waist. i decide to progressively enter the pool, a step at a time, and specimen #1 joins me at my task, but this is where he decided that we should do it all at once. so i get out of the pool, where he and i stand next to each other on the edge of the pool, with the plan that we are both going to dive in together, he is holding my hand, a non necessary detail by the way. i don't trust him, i tell him that he will only trick me, this is where i express my need for a small weiger.. something had to be done if either one of us tried to trick the other, unfortunately he was to fast for me, and pulled me into the pool with him.
the 4 of us are in the pool, casual conversations take place, friend x warms up to specimen #2, with no other choice, she's seen that specimen #1 is directed to me in a conversation based on my ways, and how everything he says is exactly the way it is. specimen #1 begins to impress me, everything he expresses is correct about myself, and further more interesting, is true for him too. we decide to change our location, and arrive at the hot-tub, that it HOT.. i go in, then come specimen #2, friend x, and finally specimen #1. this last one mentioned instantly sits beside me, for the situation is already plotted, friend x has revealed a certain tendency to specimen #2.
a series of events begin to occur, that i am unable to reveal to you; but what they do reveal to me is the certainty of the 27 years of age of specimen #1, and how he and i met each other for some reason i yet do not understand. we are strangely alike, and although this is a fact, faith and life point to the probability that this won't sprout into something significant. i have no regrets of the events that occurred involving him, they left me with a lot to learn, and a lot to think about. but i am sure of one small detail, the fact that he said that the coincidence of our zodiac sign made us incompatible, is motive for all the events that followed.
a red so deep we sunk
i hope the worst is over, cuz im all dried out. i have no more will to fight, i lost it yesterday along with many other things. from a nice memory you became to be a treacherous present moment. i could have noticed at any moment i guess, but it was nicer to live oblivious to the facts. it was astonishing to see you grovel, to see you beg away your dignity, and ever so renounced pride. you wished to know everything that was going through my veins at a magnificent speed, now that the words dawn on you.. you feel dirty and low. words may have that effect on you, but my words at this time will give you nothing but anger and impotence, for i am transmitting my feelings along these words i direct to you.
** the selfish ways of man will never cease to amaze me, how we sometimes mistake our possession over a soul, a soul that belongs to no one and will always wander free, as long as it is allowed to grow. and surrounded by a red so deep, a red of us, made us sink. for what i am to you was so precious you felt the need to hold on to it no matter the lies involved to achieve your most planned objective. and you are so dear to me that i let myself be latched on to you, by your hypnotic voice and feeble words. **
i admit, i am to blame as well as you, but don't be angry at me, don't emit harsh words, do not raise your voice at me! you lied.. but so did i? is a lie only a lie when you're caught performing one? or is it a lie from the beginning? for the enunciation of a false truth. i guess there are different types of lies, my lies would of not hurt you to the extent yours hurt me.. because yours was small and insignificant, like a prickle from a needle.. the annoying itch it provides to the tip of your finger; making you forever aware.
i could scream aloud my many sins, my many mistakes.. it wouldn't matter, i still appear flawless beside you turmoils. my spectro of purity is nothing near transparent, but i didn't hide feelings that needed to burst from my lips.. travel through the air and finally reach their home, which was your heart. but i've done a horrible mess, and my pillow witnesses the songs that i can't forget, that sing my self to nothing but insomnia. but tomorrow i'll put an end to you and everything you represent as a pattern of what should be. and i've heard this song before, i like its tune, and mesmeric melody.. but the songs been in my head for far to long.
** the selfish ways of man will never cease to amaze me, how we sometimes mistake our possession over a soul, a soul that belongs to no one and will always wander free, as long as it is allowed to grow. and surrounded by a red so deep, a red of us, made us sink. for what i am to you was so precious you felt the need to hold on to it no matter the lies involved to achieve your most planned objective. and you are so dear to me that i let myself be latched on to you, by your hypnotic voice and feeble words. **
i admit, i am to blame as well as you, but don't be angry at me, don't emit harsh words, do not raise your voice at me! you lied.. but so did i? is a lie only a lie when you're caught performing one? or is it a lie from the beginning? for the enunciation of a false truth. i guess there are different types of lies, my lies would of not hurt you to the extent yours hurt me.. because yours was small and insignificant, like a prickle from a needle.. the annoying itch it provides to the tip of your finger; making you forever aware.
i could scream aloud my many sins, my many mistakes.. it wouldn't matter, i still appear flawless beside you turmoils. my spectro of purity is nothing near transparent, but i didn't hide feelings that needed to burst from my lips.. travel through the air and finally reach their home, which was your heart. but i've done a horrible mess, and my pillow witnesses the songs that i can't forget, that sing my self to nothing but insomnia. but tomorrow i'll put an end to you and everything you represent as a pattern of what should be. and i've heard this song before, i like its tune, and mesmeric melody.. but the songs been in my head for far to long.
everything is turning blue.
your voice has returned, but i still haven't concluded if it's welcomed. oh but i missed it so, what could i say for you to understand.. things are getting complicated again.. but it's just that i miss you, and i dont know what to do with that. should i just put it out there? and let you know how i feel, or should i box it up inside my self, and introduce it on the shelf of boxed things in the back of my head. right now everthing is turning blue, and the sun is trying to kill the moon, and although i wish i could follow you, and be free.. i can't, because it won't make me free, it will make me a slave of things i can't learn to let go.
** i think that maybe you came to soon, in my search of someone to witness my life.
i guess you arrived because i needed you to, and you saw the things that i need someone to see, for my own sake.. for my own sanity. and the weight of it finally got to us, and made us drown in the redness of feelings and longings. but the bottom line is that i really wasn't what you needed, and no version of me ever will, maybe im nothing so good.. just bones and flesh that came to life for a few months. for the violence that haunts me will drown me in timeless days. and i wish i could go back and forever lay in your warm embrace, where i felt safe from the constant peril of lies and wandering eyes. between darkness and light, where your words used to bleach my insides.
i was broken from the start, you taped me up for some time.. but i break in two once again.. and no breath of life will be able to do it this time. i'll build me up again.. i'll fix me once and for all. and each piece of me falls from where it used to be put in place, held in tight. you saw me when no one did.**
** i think that maybe you came to soon, in my search of someone to witness my life.
i guess you arrived because i needed you to, and you saw the things that i need someone to see, for my own sake.. for my own sanity. and the weight of it finally got to us, and made us drown in the redness of feelings and longings. but the bottom line is that i really wasn't what you needed, and no version of me ever will, maybe im nothing so good.. just bones and flesh that came to life for a few months. for the violence that haunts me will drown me in timeless days. and i wish i could go back and forever lay in your warm embrace, where i felt safe from the constant peril of lies and wandering eyes. between darkness and light, where your words used to bleach my insides.
i was broken from the start, you taped me up for some time.. but i break in two once again.. and no breath of life will be able to do it this time. i'll build me up again.. i'll fix me once and for all. and each piece of me falls from where it used to be put in place, held in tight. you saw me when no one did.**
change is not your friend.
changing kinda sorta sucks, i've always said so myself, but there are always a few ppl that give the same lame excuse (how changing is part of life and blah blah blah..) which i know by heart already. well, the people who know me have experienced my endless battle with change, and if it has ever occured, it was because its treacherous and sneaked up on me.
well the truth is i have a tini tiny problem with moving on, it seems to be quite difficult for me; but this time i outdid myself in the magnitude of what i must forget; making it ever harder to do so. and i seem to be stuck, on the same idea i've been on since thursday.. cut your losses here, and just forgetting everything that makes you regress to the cycle that you're on now. how can so many of my choices gone wrong at the same time.. how can everything begin to sincronize against me? im being attacked by my own past decisiones, by my own feelings, and my will power has decided to be absent for the ride. i know we come to life alone, and alone we'll leave, but geeeez everyone didnt have to take it so seriously.. maybe a hand to hold is all i need to get through this; but then a dilema may occur:
** the helping hand that i could receive to get through these series of unfortunate crappy days could make me forget the hand that got me into this mess. BUT what if my savior hand decides to go on a trip? will i remember the original crappy day provoking hand in the absence of the savior one? hmmm.. interesting.
if there were just something really big for me to ingest, as if to try and fill the extent of the hollowness within me, that mocks me in the moments before i accomplish sleep. that rears its ugly head everytime my brain isnt boggled by some innovation of a trivial nothing that must be resolved ipsofacto. a moment of calmness and tranquility will prevail, begging not to be chased away by a tarnished memory or a longing for something unknown and missing.
oh damn the days that fall on me, making me feel that i know not my place, that i tumbleweed through our 24 hour dance. how many of them must i sit out, or just take a break from all these blissfully ignorant dancers that don't notice its the same tune. should i expect the same fate?
well the truth is i have a tini tiny problem with moving on, it seems to be quite difficult for me; but this time i outdid myself in the magnitude of what i must forget; making it ever harder to do so. and i seem to be stuck, on the same idea i've been on since thursday.. cut your losses here, and just forgetting everything that makes you regress to the cycle that you're on now. how can so many of my choices gone wrong at the same time.. how can everything begin to sincronize against me? im being attacked by my own past decisiones, by my own feelings, and my will power has decided to be absent for the ride. i know we come to life alone, and alone we'll leave, but geeeez everyone didnt have to take it so seriously.. maybe a hand to hold is all i need to get through this; but then a dilema may occur:
** the helping hand that i could receive to get through these series of unfortunate crappy days could make me forget the hand that got me into this mess. BUT what if my savior hand decides to go on a trip? will i remember the original crappy day provoking hand in the absence of the savior one? hmmm.. interesting.
if there were just something really big for me to ingest, as if to try and fill the extent of the hollowness within me, that mocks me in the moments before i accomplish sleep. that rears its ugly head everytime my brain isnt boggled by some innovation of a trivial nothing that must be resolved ipsofacto. a moment of calmness and tranquility will prevail, begging not to be chased away by a tarnished memory or a longing for something unknown and missing.
oh damn the days that fall on me, making me feel that i know not my place, that i tumbleweed through our 24 hour dance. how many of them must i sit out, or just take a break from all these blissfully ignorant dancers that don't notice its the same tune. should i expect the same fate?