i've tried to describe you before but i've never felt 100% satisfied with the words that exorcize themselves from me. sometimes i reveal to much, and sometimes i fall short on truly presenting what it is you are in the flare of my eye, what your essence engraves on my skin.. and how i will never fully understand where this need for what you are, that i can't explain, comes from.
so many of the things that made me who i am are gone.. they've weathered away with time and failed experiences, there are only vague shadows inside me where they used to live. when i am around most people there is no desire to be more than vague, no desire to be intense; no need to ignite the fire of everything that makes me what i am. the silhouette of everything that used to be is enough for me to go through one day to another. when im with you i must be me at my fullest extent, me at the power of hundreds or even thousands.
why do i feel there is more of me when you are near? you over power me, and my vagueness becomes futile, of no presence. i must add charcoal to the flame of me so it may withstand the essence of you in proximity. you make me weak, but at the same time make me stronger. you produce an aura of nerve wrecking sentiments i can't control. you make me want to say things i've sweared never to reveal, but knowing you makes me think of things before i say them. the fire's heat obliges me to spit things out as they are.. but the power of your stare makes me silent.. this is where you begin to ignore the truths of our encounters.
is it healthy for you to cross my mind no matter who im with? is it normal that for some reason i've always had the feeling that no matter who im with, if you summon me, i will come to you? is there a language i have failed to communicate myself in that could translate these obscure feelings; not obscure because of there intention, obscure for the lack of light they produce not allowing me to describe them efficiently.
the truth is that every chance i get i just wonder how it would be.. how things would happen if there were enough time in the hours to look into each other and understand everything without words. my fingers caress the palm of your hand, there are so many things i can show you but i can't say. you're the only shape i look for in the midst of a shadow.
the whys have been asked often enough when it comes to you. i have not reached an answer for any of them, i just know you are, and i am.. and this is how i feel about how we are. i've said nothing, but said so much in the measure of things unsaid.
the feeling you produce, that doesn't allow me to act easy going around you is not produced by lack of time knowing you.. its just that i wouldn't be me. and you wouldn't be you if i could be vague around you. i need you to make me be me in all there is to me. i need you to discover what makes you.. you. i've discovered you to be more gentle than most, and firmer than all; i have not yet to discover how it is you see me.. but i'm thankful you see me the way you do.. although as strange as it is to me.
g.a.b.
how much of a good thing is to much?
do we ever really know when what we are expecting isn't any match against what we are really going to receive?
Expectation:
The act of expecting.
Eager anticipation: eyes shining with expectation.
The state of being expected.
Something expected: a result that did not live up to expectations.
Prospects, especially of success or gain.
Statistics.
The expected value of a random variable.
The mean of a random variable.
As human beings we usually expect more than what we are able to be given or acheive. I have applied in my life's philosophy to always expect the very least, as to oppose dissappointment on some level or another. Sometimes i am proved completely wrong, and what is revealed to me surpasses any possibility of my highest expectations.. but to keep me grounded; the object of this award of expectation is always dethroned sooner than later.
He caught my attention in the oddest of ways. He arrived late to class, his way of carrying himself and sense of style inadvertly caught my eye. who was this person that suddenly had me wondering how late he'd be this week? to my surprise we also shared the class that followed the one he was always late to. the amount of tension caught between his stare and mine was thick enough to be cut with a knife. i found a way to always glance over my shoulder to what he was doing, laugh at his comments and find some way or another to be noticed by him. The day came where my stare was more pronounced than usual and impossibly missed by him.. he smiled.
I tried eagerly and intently in finding something in common between us, and that was his best friend. This best friend was already on my good side, so the fact that making friends would strengthen the possibility to reach him made it so much easier. In a very short time a trip presented itself as a possibility, his friend invited me to come along; and so i did with the sole purpose of getting closer to him. on some levels it worked.. but it only made things worse.. whatever doubt i might have harnessed for him had now magnified and made it impossible for me to think of anything else.
i spent the whole week waiting for the day i'd see him.. to observe how he would carry himself around me.. praying for some gesture that might let me know that i had some kind of effect on him. finally the moment presented itself.. a trip to his own estate.. the place where anything could happen.. where anything could be proved or once and for all cleared. through subtle gestures and others very blunt i received the feedback i needed to know i wasn't alone; i wasn't the only one that wondered if i had on effect on him; he wondered of his effect on yours truly.
the moment came, and something inside me made me go to him, he embraced me in a hug, and though we weren't alone at the time.. something about our proximity gave out the signal that we should be. when i opened my eyes we were. What followed exceeded any previous formulation in my own daydreaming of how things might have plotted out. he made me reach a point where i realize that sometimes your greatest expectations can fall short to what the truth may serve.
ofcourse.. this certain drunkness on expectations made me leave the side of my life philosophy and make myself expect things from him.. and it went so wrong. everytime you expect something from someone.. in a non negative way, you never get nearly as bit as you were asking for.. even if it was obvious or even implied.
he's become something truly special to me.. someone who has raised the bar for future expectation with holders. i just dont know what to do now with this new level of knowledge, compromise.. or maybe even satisfaction.
Expectation:
The act of expecting.
Eager anticipation: eyes shining with expectation.
The state of being expected.
Something expected: a result that did not live up to expectations.
Prospects, especially of success or gain.
Statistics.
The expected value of a random variable.
The mean of a random variable.
As human beings we usually expect more than what we are able to be given or acheive. I have applied in my life's philosophy to always expect the very least, as to oppose dissappointment on some level or another. Sometimes i am proved completely wrong, and what is revealed to me surpasses any possibility of my highest expectations.. but to keep me grounded; the object of this award of expectation is always dethroned sooner than later.
He caught my attention in the oddest of ways. He arrived late to class, his way of carrying himself and sense of style inadvertly caught my eye. who was this person that suddenly had me wondering how late he'd be this week? to my surprise we also shared the class that followed the one he was always late to. the amount of tension caught between his stare and mine was thick enough to be cut with a knife. i found a way to always glance over my shoulder to what he was doing, laugh at his comments and find some way or another to be noticed by him. The day came where my stare was more pronounced than usual and impossibly missed by him.. he smiled.
I tried eagerly and intently in finding something in common between us, and that was his best friend. This best friend was already on my good side, so the fact that making friends would strengthen the possibility to reach him made it so much easier. In a very short time a trip presented itself as a possibility, his friend invited me to come along; and so i did with the sole purpose of getting closer to him. on some levels it worked.. but it only made things worse.. whatever doubt i might have harnessed for him had now magnified and made it impossible for me to think of anything else.
i spent the whole week waiting for the day i'd see him.. to observe how he would carry himself around me.. praying for some gesture that might let me know that i had some kind of effect on him. finally the moment presented itself.. a trip to his own estate.. the place where anything could happen.. where anything could be proved or once and for all cleared. through subtle gestures and others very blunt i received the feedback i needed to know i wasn't alone; i wasn't the only one that wondered if i had on effect on him; he wondered of his effect on yours truly.
the moment came, and something inside me made me go to him, he embraced me in a hug, and though we weren't alone at the time.. something about our proximity gave out the signal that we should be. when i opened my eyes we were. What followed exceeded any previous formulation in my own daydreaming of how things might have plotted out. he made me reach a point where i realize that sometimes your greatest expectations can fall short to what the truth may serve.
ofcourse.. this certain drunkness on expectations made me leave the side of my life philosophy and make myself expect things from him.. and it went so wrong. everytime you expect something from someone.. in a non negative way, you never get nearly as bit as you were asking for.. even if it was obvious or even implied.
he's become something truly special to me.. someone who has raised the bar for future expectation with holders. i just dont know what to do now with this new level of knowledge, compromise.. or maybe even satisfaction.
