touching yesterday..

you enter unnanouced.. welcomed in the room.. although never expected. and everytime you're back its like you never left.. like the first time ever.. when the world for a moment stopped and was a pebble in my palm. so many times i wish that i could go back to those days, when your reflection shined in my eyes so brightly that it slightly made everything tarnished. nothing was and never will be quite like your impression on me.
and everytime you come back its like if it was still that day, when lips agaisnt cheek whispered the rekindling of spirits, the freedom that only knowledge and silence bring. everytime i give up on feeling anything you stray upon my path. everytime stronger and leaving more unmendables by your wrath. it would be better if i closed my eyes to you, but how can i deny them such warmth?, how can i deny them the only moment when they achieve their goal?.. to stare endlessly into the colored flares of your eyes. the sky was never enough to forget you.. i pray for a soul that knows nothing of your lips and for hands that know nothing of the warmth that only your fingers bring. if i had the strength that you need to not stray from me again.. but if you haven't found it inside yourself yet.. you weaken me.
people pass by, and things change in forward cue, and no matter how fast i desire to move, i always come back to here, the place that makes me want to want you. its the place i like best, no matter how old, how well known or how wrong it might be. living a hell, even living your ghost.. this is where i prefer to lay.. never seem to get exactly where im going before i end up here.
sometimes i wonder if i would prefer to have had never had you.. so i wouldn't need you the way i need you now.. with the warm light i need you now.. without knowing what to do.. whether to feel or think, but still today think about countless hours where i binded myself to you. and today the ropes that bind me are stronger than ever.. at night thoughts escape from my soul complemented body.. where there still is something hidden from the night.. a dear secret kept close to my heart. a night filled with light produced by the floating notes dispersed from your voice. still today.. bodies and souls.. still today wander and seek whats true. still today i fear the word that throbs through my veins.. and only for you.
and every time i swear that this will be the last night, when i will finish with all the ilusions that have been left, every root in this heart, and every look from those eyes, every word and reminder of that voice.. with every tear from my eyes.. but this last night haunts me, as well as it drowns my sleep; singing tunes of pain near my ear. seas born in my eyes, in solitude, in negligence.. but this last night haunts me. the moon: is its ally.
and there are days when i might call, where i might try contact.. with an excuse of a "how are you? how's everything?" and its just because nights pass me by, and sleep seizes to arrive. if you only knew how i miss thee. im convinced that things where never better then when it was "we." and my worth plummits at your absence.
but i must confess that when you left i found ways to live without you.. to take a breath after your final one. i've returned to be the one who drowns everytime i discover you belong to someone else. im sorry to say that when you left things changed, i sold your memory and bought something new to wish for.. and failed. days, weeks and months passed.. in absence of your silhouette. i was different when you were near.. i still wish to be binded to you. but i question, "how can you be far?".. when proximity is my only elixir. i can no longer bare the distance, its impossible to undergo one more day without you, i must find the way to always have you close.. it may have no solution.. it will probably be one more day without you. there's nothing to do; what should i say? and dont say you never knew me, dont say you never knew the intensity of a fire's flames, for they burned your cheeks as well as mine. will i ever breathe as if air isn't breathed by you some place far away?
the truth: nobody knows. everything's great, i enjoy my solitude, i discovered the perfect formula where i no longer wait for you, popular amongst others, some constant distant ringing of some electronic device, and i no longer use the perfume you like; in a world filled by appearences where eyes wander from reality. and nobody sees the real me, that is only me when i am filled by the sentiments of desire that remind me of you. emotions pressure my bloodline.. sometimes it draws weak.. in the hell that memories bring me to, where i can't forget.
and its just that i'd like to be what i am to you in my head. maybe i didn't speak when it was needed, but my eyes said everything that was, and flares of comprehension made me feel safe.
but feelings are made to mark, to leave their tracks deep inside, where they can never be erased. beacuse things never finish with "goodbye".. being absent doesn't make you gone. have present that it doesn't anull memories or buys forgiving.. and will never take you off the map.. the farther you are the more i remember, no matter how much i want you gone.. and i ask myself a thousand times.. "how long will you remain pasted to my insides?" your cruelty feeds off my blood, scratching my soul and tearing at my heart. you can't erase it, a story of so many nights, you can't burn the glory that might one day have been achieved from a word to an ear. lift me up, to throw me down, picking me up once more, and keep me where you wish.. where you've always kept me, in a place you know you will always go back to at the end of the day.. the day that fills your days of things you don't really need, but that give you the false feeling of satisfaction.. but its all a lie.